Going Back: But Not Going Backwards

I went back: back where it all started. From the abuse to the hospital visits, to being so sick mentally that I didn’t know if I would make it. It was a very uncomfortable feeling being back in my hometown and in my childhood home. It even FELT wrong. It was scary visiting my parents in the house where all the abuse took place. A place I swore I would never step foot in again. To be honest, I couldn’t wait to leave. I was only 9 hours away from my home but it felt like a decade away…

I had an episode at the dinner table the other night at my parents’ house. It went from a slight, silent panic, to an extreme panic attack. Then to full blown flashbacks. I felt as if I was going to faint. I held my service dog tight and put on classical music. My parents did everything they could to help get me through it. In a weird way it made me feel very loved by them. Especially by my mother.

Something my mom has never done for me except I’m sure, since I was a baby, was to get my whole meal for me, and get me towels ready for a shower and show great concern for me. Odd, right? She’s never been the kind of mother to do things for me. It was always me doing everything on my own. I never had the nurturing mother that I so desperately needed. But, last night I kind of had that for once in my life. It brought me a sense of healing and made me feel like she wasn’t that mean person she used to be. In that moment I really felt like she loved me and cared for me and my well-being as a human being and as her daughter. That’s something I have probably never felt from her.

As I was experiencing the horrible flashbacks, I wanted to just leave. I wanted to run out that door and not look back, and never come back to that house ever again! But, I really wanted to see my parents, and deep down I knew that I could work through it. I kept on reminding myself that their son wasn’t there and that I was safe. It was so many different, scary, feelings and emotions that I was dealing with all at once.

While I was there, I kept reminding myself that being back doesn’t mean I am going back. I think at times, especially speaking for myself, we will feel like we are going backwards when in a familiar setting or situation that reminds us of all the trauma. Or, if we are doing mentally horrible in general. But, that isn’t the case, nor was that the case for me.

Something I realized this past weekend was, I am so much stronger and healthier than I once was! The old me wouldn’t have ever been able to step foot in that house. Or, if I did I would have just immediately left when I started having an episode. But, I am not the old me, I am the new healthy me that is continuing to heal.

So next time you find yourself in a similar situation tell yourself this, I am Going Back: But Not Going Backwards.

As Always

You Deserve Peace

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

You Are Not Alone