On my darkest days I found it very hard to find hope. I had no hope to get out of bed, to talk, to eat, and sometimes as crazy as it sounds, to sleep. I would lay there for hours stuck in my head, stuck with my thoughts, stuck with the flashbacks. Stuck with the crippling fear. Stuck with how do I maneuver around this thing called PTSD? There were so many things mixed and jumbled all into one. I was so broken and so alone. I felt like I had no one and nothing. I felt like no one would understand. I thought that I WAS my diagnosis. I thought all that I was, was PTSD. I thought all I could ever be known as was the girl with trauma. How could I ever be normal again? How could I ever be loved? Would I ever be able to get out of bed? Having PTSD is like living in this strange world that only you have access to, only you have the key and no one is allowed to know about it. You try to explain it so people can understand it better, but they can’t understand something they don’t have.
After weeks of lying in bed I began to look at the little things I had in life. For example, a roof over my head, a bed, water, food and birds. One that stuck out to me was birds. I know it sounds silly. Something so small like that gave me hope. The birds chirping, the beautiful colors, how their wings would spread out and they would fly so high. It got me thinking. Birds deal with a lot, but they don’t give up. They are fighting for their lives, constantly being chased and hunted. They always have to watch their backs, always have to be ready for the next thing. Yet, they never give up. They are brave and still fly high, they stand proud and tall. Birds just maneuver life differently. Kind of like how we have to with PTSD. It reminded me that yeah, my life is hard. I’ve been through more than one person should ever have to endure, but I’m going to fight for my life. As I grasped that concept and watched the birds out my window, I also noticed how they had their minds set on a mission: to survive. That’s what PTSD is kind of like. We have to fight to survive but we must fly high, stand tall and be brave. We are warriors. We can do this!
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