When I was little, as far back as I can remember I really never felt safe. I never had the sense of security or normalcy. I would always wake up scared and I would pray that today would be better than yesterday. I never knew what to expect. It was like the second I would open my eyes and my feet touched the ground, I was preparing for war. I’d pray for this day to be different but it just never happened..
Constantly living in the mindset of Who’s going to throw something next or scream? leaves you on the edge of your seat constantly. It’s like that feeling you have when you are watching a movie that you’re really into and you know the scary part is coming. Except with this, I couldn’t pause the movie or turn it off. It was always there and NEVER went away.
I dealt with much more than physical and sexual abuse from my parents’ son. I dealt with parents constantly fighting, things being thrown against walls, people screaming they hated each other, threats of death being made and verbal and emotional abuse from my mother. The list goes on. I would always hide under my bed or under a table. I remember always being so scared and would wonder, what if something really bad happens? What will I do? Who will I go to? Who will I call? I had no one. It’s a feeling no little girl should ever have to feel, or any person for that matter.
Growing up in that environment made me have to grow up very quickly in many different ways. It has left me very confused in moments of my life and has even made me question the whole “meaning” of family. It creates a fear that’s unlike any other. You feel as if you can never relax and even though you know that you’re safe you really never feel like it. Still, to this day when I hear a scream or something falls on the ground, my heart sinks and I immediately want to run and hide. I know a lot of you can relate to this feeling and what it does to your mind and thought process.
I had to unlearn basically everything I was ever taught and try to figure out life, while going through all the emotions and fears from my childhood. It’s not an easy thing to do, especially alone. I am thankful for the help I have received and continue to receive through therapy. If you’re like me and you have had it hard, don’t do it alone. Talk to a therapist, you really have nothing to lose. I know how challenging and scary it is. Remember if you ever need guidance or encouragement, please email me or send me a message directly on instagram. I would love to help you in any way I can.
As Always, You Deserve Peace, You Are Not Your Diagnosis and You Are Not Alone.
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